According to the Facebook Clergy, the coronavirus was delivered by God so that we would finally pay attention to his awesomeness.
I find it hard to believe that an all-knowing super being would create a deathly virus just so we would have more time for social media and cable news, but hey, I can’t prove their wrong.
While we’re using our imagination, I prefer a more Eastern version of God that lives within all life in the cosmos, rather than existing as a separate entity. Hang on, I’m feeling enlightened, might go do some yoga and hit the hookah for a few minutes, be right back.
Me hitting peak-zen:
Okay, all jokes aside, whether this is all happening because God is trying to tell us something, we can’t know. Regardless, I’ve noticed a few things.
It’s not socialism if it helps you.
Until about 12 days ago, the consensus in America seemed to be that you shouldn’t get a handout just because hard times hit. Shit happens. Suck it up buttercup, they said. Needless to say, thanks to the coronavirus, that changed faster than a teenage boy’s web browser when his mom walks in.
Now, the Democrats are the ones getting bashed for slowing down the arrival of everyone’s check. Is it opposite day?
It’s really not as strange as it sounds. People always have a different opinion when they’re the one holding the short end of the stick. When a Republican discovers their son is homosexual, they tend to evolve on gay rights issues. (To be clear, it’s the injustice against the gay son that’s the short end of the stick, not having a gay son.) When a liberal is forced to bake a cake for an assault rifle convention, their freedom of conscience becomes paramount. When a corporation spends all their money buying back stock and now doesn’t have a rainy day fund, “socialism” starts to sound reasonable.
I can hear the bros now, “but this is different, this is an unprecedented event!” Yeah, that’s a valid point. But you didn’t care about the nuance and context when you were sitting pretty.
One lesson we—and our employers—are learning is that many of us aren’t that essential.
Even professionals aren’t safe. I’m a teacher. How long before they buy students laptops and a software license that teaches them social studies? I imagine this crisis is speeding up the process.
Automation and artificial intelligence aren’t helping matters either. Even you Instagram butt-models are replaceable; they got a robot coming for your ass too (pun intended). I mean, keep doing what you’re doing, I’m just saying have a plan B.
So what does all this change add up to? I’m not positive, but more people will want to “rewrite the rules” as hardships affect them. When they start asking the government for more, I bet they won’t call it socialism.
Americans are skeptical when it comes to the truth, but suckers for a good conspiracy.
Americans love farfetched stories; it’s always been this way. The earliest Americans (as in US citizens, not the indigenous) said we had to separate from Britain to avoid tyranny. The next generation said the Freemasons were secretly pulling all the strings. In more modern times, folks have claimed the moon landing never happened; the Clintons are murderers; Bush did 9/11; and Obama was a muslim marxist from Kenya hell bent on taking away our liberty.
Millions of Americans just won’t settle for complicated, often times random occurrences that are hard to explain; they need a simplistic narrative between good and evil.
The latest fiction gaining broad appeal is the theory that the coronavirus is a media conspiracy to take down Trump. Less brainwashed folks say it’s real, but maintain that it’s really not that serious. After all, Rush Limbaugh, the great beacon of truth, says it’s overblown.
Good idea: don’t listen to medical professionals manning the hospitals or observe how seriously other economic powers are taking this pandemic. Don’t consider the fact that Disney World—the greediest place on Earth—voluntarily shut down, along with the entire sports (that matter) world. Nah, that would be too easy. Again, reality is met with great skepticism:
Sometimes the truth just isn’t something we want to buy so we have to shop around.
Elbow bumps are here to stay.
I don’t know about you, but my hands are cleaner than a sex toy at a nun’s house (a real nun, not the kind you hooked up with at a Halloween party). I’d like to say I practiced good hygiene before, but apparently I was living quite dangerously.
Sad story: middle school babes had no idea how much of a bad boy I was.
Anyway, I’d be ashamed to report how many times I’ve accepted a handful of potato chips from a student. Hell, all of us neanderthals were shaking hands! Not anymore my friends. From here on out, it’s elbow bumps for associates and fist bumps for the boys.
America Gets Stimulated
Earlier this week, conservative Americans let Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer know how much they hated them (they were such right-wing darlings before). How dare the most powerful Democrats in Washington attempt to use their power to get things Democrats want!
Note: I’m not necessarily saying there are no legitimate arguments against what Nancy and Chuck wanted, or the timing of it. I’m saying don’t fall for the idea that it makes them despicable. Remember when Justice Scalia died and Senate Republicans decided to ignore the Constitution and blocked Obama from appointing a replacement? Depending on your political persuasion, that may have seemed despicable. But you can bet your ass the other side would do the same thing given the chance. It’s politics. Politicians are like attorneys, your view of them depends on what side of the case you’re on. If you’re facing jail time, you don’t care what nasty tactics the defense attorney uses, your only concern is the outcome (not getting poked while in the pokey).
So what was the outcome?
After much conjecture earlier in the week, President Trump signed the CARES Act into law on Friday. At $2.2 trillion, the price tag amounts to about 10% of US GDP.
What we’re getting for the money:
Most Americans will receive $1,200 and another $500 for children age 16 and under. People receiving Social Security retirement and disability payments also get the money. (Mnuchin expects most to get paid via direct deposit within three weeks.)
Unemployment benefits are being extended for 13 weeks in addition to the previous number of maximum weeks, which varies by state (often 26 weeks). To qualify for the extended program, one must be eligible for unemployment benefits by the last day of this year. Also, self-employed and part-time workers will be eligible for unemployment benefits.
For up to four months, $600 is being added to the amount people on unemployment receive. (This is one of the provisions Democrats gained through negotiations leading up to passage of the bill.)
Student loan payments have been automatically suspended until Sept. 30.
$350 billion in forgivable loans for small businesses.
$500 billion in loans to big businesses that must be paid back. Any company receiving loans under the program can’t buy back stocks for the term of the loan plus a year. The loans will be publicly disclosed with oversight by an inspector general. (Much of the oversight provisions were insisted on by Democrats. However, it’s unclear how much teeth these provisions have.)
Tax credits to help businesses keep people on the payroll.
$100 billion for hospitals.
$340 billion for state and local governments facing financial issues due to COVID-19.
To Whom It May Concern
It’s all about perspective.
Until Next Time
The Great Empty - Photographs from normally busy places around the world that are empty. Be sure to continue scrolling when you get to a little bit of text, there are more photos to follow. Really cool, worth your time.
How the Intelligence Community Predicted COVID-19
The pandemic will boost China's standing.
Anthony Rizzo of the Chicago Cubs on missing Opening Day.
President Trump is as popular as he's ever been right now.
Joe Biden faces sexual assault allegations.
Thanks for reading. Sign up to get this newsletter in your inbox.
Nuts & Bolts is a newsletter for people with a sense of humor that want the facts without the outrage and disinformation. If this edition was worth your time, please consider sharing or forwarding it to a friend. Be safe out there.